12/08/97
Well, I finally closed a book that needed to be closed a long long time ago. I spent 5 days last week with Ryan and some of my other friends from high school and I was able to tie up any loose ends or feeling shtat I have ever had with him. For the last six months he has been up and down with the way that he comes across, and he either makes me hate him or fall back in love with him again.
But there's that part of me that is listening to what my friends who have seen my rollercoaster of emotions are saying. |
I made a resolution before I left school to be strong and let him know to his face all of the not so good things I have been thinking to my friends here. No one really know the whole story, and no one really will, because it's something I will never tell anyone. It's been hard to justify to them how evil he is, on top of how good he is. But there's that part of me that is listening to what my friends who have seen my rollercoaster of emotions are saying. I finally resolved myself to the fact that sometimes my vision is limited to what I want to see, instead of what I should see. So I let him know everything the unhappy Julie has been thinking, instead of just the happy Julie. |
| The minute I saw him, my heart dropped, and I realized how much contempt I have been harboring for him, instead of the good feelings that I had been unfailingly justifying to all of my friends. The first thing he said to me was an invitation to stay over with him for an extra night before I came home to school. Something in the way he said that triggered all of the thoughts, feelings, and emotions I had to say- I told him flat out no. Now I realize it's not necessary that I hate him, but that I am apathetic to everything he is or has been to me. That doesn't mean I will forget what we had between us, but I will remember the mistakes and not ever put myself in the situation to do it again. Maybe I lost a friend, but maybe that's okay. I opened myself up more from the experiences than I ever thought I would, and I am a better person because of it. | Now I realize it's not necessary that I hate him, but that I am apathetic to everything he is or has been to me. |
No regrets,
Julie
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