I was so excited to get my RA position last week that I posted as soon as I found out about it. Well, later that night I called my parents who so kindly informed me that it was a good thing, because money would 've made it hard to stay at W&M. Lots of people think that my being in Beta makes me automatically independently wealthy or something. Sorry guys...if you're looking for some rich future wife, I'm not her. I work hard (selling shoes in fact) over all breaks to pay for the sorority, my car, and all of my school spending money. At least now I don't have to put out the money to go and visit Ryan anymore. BTW- did I even mention that he's in college several states away? I know this will help them out a lot, and take some of the pressure off of me to pay for books and stuff. I definitely need Beta in my life though. There's something so unique about the bond that Greek brothers and sisters have, and even though half you out there think that it's all superficial, I've grown so much identity-wise since I joined Beta. And I met Kathy, Jennifer, and Allison, all who are now some of my favorite people in the whole world.
More about Ryan...I met him in the summer after my Senior year of high school at a national leadership conference in the mountains of North Carolina. It's an amazingly beautiful place where the "Blue Ridge Spirit" grabs you and makes you realize that nothing matters except the people you are with and the bond that you are sharing. Not knowing each other, he and I decided to take a walk at dusk with one of our mutual friends. We talked about everything that we important to us in life...love, goals, futures, even marriage. From that point forward, the two of us realized that we shared this incredible bond. We kept in touch, learning more about each other, and becoming as close as most people ever do. At that point in my life, I as scared out of my mind. I had been burned several times, so was not apt at all to trust him with my feelings or my life. But through all of the craziness of freshman year, I realized he was the one person I could trust to stand by me, and I loved him more and more for it day by day. Needless to say, our storybook start has ended in a nightmare. Distance, apathy, and lots of blanks that I have not been able to fill to others have caused me to lose him, and lose my best friend. I don't know what we were...what we are. Life is strange like that. I'm sure all of you know of that delicate line that we all step over and hurry back behind for fear of losing what's really important. I'm living and learning though, that life is about chances, and with every broken heart and lost friend we gain some understanding along with our pain. Sometimes I wish I had someone here just to take me and hold me, but I know that I am not all that ready to trust and to commit. I'm not strong enough myself to support someone else.
Beta formal was last weekend, and I had an awesome time. I went with my best friend from last year Frank, and danced the night away. I also proved to myself that I can have fun and not be drunk at something like that. Last semester I was really scared, and a lot of people were scared for me, that I had an alcohol problem. I was stone drunk once or twice a week, and pretty much was out of control with a lot of things...friendships included. It was a pretty selfish time, but I really scared myself into having the presence of mind to realize that I needed to take control. My friend Penny, a Beta alum was here for the formal, and we really connected in a way that I haven't done with most people lately. Jennifer and Allison are too busy with their boyfriends, my best best friend Jodi Haplin and I rarely see each other, and in getting back on track, I've disenchanted a lot of people. Penny and I, however, have this intense connection. She and I couldn't be different, but couldn't be more alike. It's nice to know, though, that as I go through the ups and downs of life, I will always have friends like her to understand. I wrote this poky poem last year at a low time...maybe it'll help you understand me more...
Cascading wall with stone, brick faces
concrete of the native,
clay of the unsure
With steady spine and sturdy foot
solid ground,
strengthened core
yet
vulnerable root.
plaster- molder of uncertainty
creator of the inability
yet- heart of,
vital to the wall.
the process.
the masonry.
Remember me on the discussion area, and have a wonderful week.
Take care-
Julie
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