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Another breaking issue- today Mandy and I received a letter from our friend Aki who went to Japan on the JET program where you teach English. She was always such a prude for lack of a better word. She thought I was a whore because I spent the night at Paul's- fully clothed(at least most of the time since I am a nudie-girl (my new nickname)), with his roommate there and just sleeping. She had never really made out with a guy- what I really mean is that nothing had ever been done to her. Does everyone know what I am talking about? Anyway, then last year she dated two 26 year old guys who were still married, sort of. The second guy is the most important to the story- he was 26, separated but not divorced, and had a child. They went on one lunch date and she came back at 5 the next morning. The only reason they didn't have sex she told us was that they didn't have a condom. She thought I was a whore- I am not trying to judge but I would never do something like that. Anyway, the letter- she makes a few niceities even though this is the first time we have heard from her in 4 months and then for about a page asks us to buy her these condoms because the ones in Japan are not as good. WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON? They are almost out of the condoms and want more. She writes us a letter from Japan for this !?! I am almost insulted. It all just seems so weird.
Sorry that this is so random but I am switching topics once again. This is very personal and you are going to have to read a lot of background material to understand everything. When I was in high school, I was very insecure and very depressed. When I was in the 10th grade, I really just wanted to be dead. I would think about death all the time- I thought it would be beautiful like floating on a cloud where there were no problems. I thought about ways that I could kill myself and even though I never tried, I was pretty messed up. I used to write these letters to my friends that they would receive after I died to say i was sorry and to please remember me in a good way, not a bad. I had never had a boyfriend, never even kissed a boy and all of my friends were not virgins. I was even taking some of them to get tested for AIDS and I just felt very behind like I was not a member of this exclusive club. I think I was pretty but I didn't have much of a body which is important to high school guys. My first boyfriend was a guy named Charles Rodgers. He was my first everything. I was absolutely and completely in love with him and everything was much better. When he broke up with me, I was very hurt but we never really ended things.
The next year- his senior year, my junior year, we must have tried to get back together at least 7 times and towards the end of the year we actually started dating for about a month. From then, he called me about every 6 months wanting to get back together but I was always dating someone. When I was a freshman in college, this guy whom I had loved in high school because her was so gorgeous, Roy Tyler, called me out of the blue to get together. We dated for about a month and he was Charles's best friend. They lived together. Charles and I started talking again and we became great friends again. All of my friends did drugs in high school- these two were not an exception- and I tried drugs when I was with them. At first it all seemed so cool but after a while I just got bored and stopped hanging out with them. Charles still kept in touch with me.
When I was a sophomore, I cheated on Paul with him. Yes, Paul knows and I know it was VERY VERY VERY WRONG, and no we did not sleep together. Even though I am not in love with Charles, I care about him a lot and sometimes I just want to know if he is okay. We talked a little my junior year and then he moved to Florida with his parents. He called me over Christmas break to tell me that he had been engaged but broke it off. I cried when he told me, I don't know why- I was shocked. I think it was because things would have to officially end when he got married. It all stems from my insecurities from high school where I never wanted to be alone. I sort of kept Charles hanging by never saying not to ever call me again. He told me he broke off the engagement because he started dreaming about me. This made me cry again. I was ruining his life but not letting him live a life. I haven't heard from Charles in about 9 months so I just assumed that he was married because he only calls when he is not with someone. So today, I was listening to an old CD that we always listened to and started thinking about him. It was purely in a friend way- I was just wondering how he was doing. I called long distance info and got his phone number and called before I lost my nerve. He was so weird to me. This is the phone call.
-Charles.
-Yes.
-Do you know who this is?
-Yes. Caitlyn.
-Hey, how are you doing? I was just thinking about you and wanted to give
you a call.
-How did you get this number?
-I called long distance info. So are you married, or something? How are
you?
-I am engaged.
-That is so great.(I really meant it!:)) I am so glad that you are
happy.
-I can't talk to you.
-Why not?
-Because it is awkward.
-Why? I am not trying to date you. I just wanted to know how you were
doing. You are a old friend that I care about.
-Because the woman that I love is sitting next to me and she doesn't know
who you are. She is getting upset.
-Charles. I just wanted to say hi.
-(very fake) Well, I will let you go now.
-Fine. and then I hung up.
Caitlyn :)
cxboyd@maila.wm.edu
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