Caitlyn Boyd
December 18, 1996
Hey everyone, how are you doing? Well I finally finished my last exam on
Tuesday- I had six exams! I had that paper due on Monday, two exams on
Tuesday, two exams on Thursday, one on Monday, and my last one on
Tuesday. I am so tired. Before my Monday exam, I only slept two hours
and I just felt like crap the entire time. I am so glad to be done, and
not to be rude, but I am so tired of looking at penises. Get your mind
out of the gutter, I mean pictures of them in my Anatomy books. Don't be
offended guys, but I think they are pretty ugly. Anyway, it is kind of
lonely at school right now. Pam is always studying at the UC and Mandy
has already left so it is just me. And the TV was Kate's so we don't
even have a TV right now. I have nothing to do and I am so bored. I have
reading the Spot a lot and I am finally in August when the Spot house
burns down. I don't think I will ever get caught up but it does give me
something to do. Our new roommie is moving in today and I am so excited.
She called last night to tell when she was coming and we ended up
talking for a while. I am so excited- oh, I just said that, sorry. She
is NOT the devil so I don't see how things could be any worse.
On Sunday
Paul and I almost broke up. I am not really sure how
everything started but he came over to talk about things and I just had
this really bad feeling. I was pretty convinced that he was going to
break up with me. I was really sad. I haven't been happy in our
relationship for like a year but I love him so I didn't want things to
end. I just kept hoping that things would change and go back to the way
they were before. I guess I realize that things will never be as I want
them to be because Paul doesn't want things to be any different than the
way they are now. He said some really hurtful things to me and I am not
saying they aren't true, but it was all very upsetting. We see the world
in totally different ways. He thinks I am a pessimist and I think I am a
realist. He sees himself as optimistic but I don't think he is touch
with realtiy. Using the normal analogy, I am a the-glass-is-half-empty
kind of person and I see Paul as
the-glass-is-overflowing-and-spilling-on-the-floor kind of person. He
has this incredibly large ego right now in his job search because he
thinks that every company wants him and he can just take his pick. That
might be true, I don't know, but I do think he should be a little more
sensitive to others. I am so depressed becasue I can't even get into a
medical school in my own state of residency and Jack was really nervous
about finding a job until he got that offer from PW (belated
congratulations are in order). Sometimes I don't think that Paul treats
me the same respect as he treats his friends and I am tired of being
this little cute thing that he wants to take care of and keep in a box
until he is ready to play with and then I have to follow his rules. If
you think I am complaining, then I am sorry but I am really upset still.
Paul thinks I complain way too much and I am only trying to tell him
what is going on. He says that he is tired of listening to me complain
to him all the time and being depressed constantly. Well, my life sucks
right now and I don't have anything to be happy about. My grades suck
and I can't even get into a med school. I have wanted to be a doctor for
as long as I can remember and I am so tired of Paul telling me that I am
giving up and I can just apply again. Well, god damnit, I already
f*cking know that. That is probably what I will do, but that does not
make everything better. I still feel incredibly stupid all of the time.
Not to be to personal with everyone, but Paul and I have not been having
sex recently and it makes me feel like I am totally undesirable. I
talked to him about this and do you know what he said? He said he didn't
like having sex with me becasue having sex with me was too boring and
routine. I didn't say it, but I feel the same way about him. Sometimes,
it is just not worth taking off your clothes. But that really hurt when
he said that and I think I am still a little shocked that he did. There
are so many differences that I just don't think anything will change.
Paul doesn't want things to change so I am sad because I feel like this
is the beginning of the end. I love Paul bunches but I just don't like
him as a person. He is egotistical and thinks he's god. Our schedules
are not compatible and neither are we to tell you the truth. Last year
and even at the beginning of this year I always felt that if things
between us were the same when I was out of med school that I would want
to marry him and Paul felt the same way. But now I know that I wouldn't
want to marry him because I would be so unhappy and marriage is forever.
Who wants to be unhappy forever? Not me.
Anyway, sorry that I complained so much but I am still a little hurt.
And even though Paul and I are still together now, I don't think we will
be for very long. That makes me very sad. I don't want things to end
with Paul but neither of us are happy. I don't think it is very fair to
Paul to stay with him but know that he is so unhappy. I love him and I
want him to be happy but it is so hard to let go. I really have no idea
what to do. People have their advice but it is much different when you
are in the situation. It is so hard. It is scary to be by yourself and I
still love Paul so that makes everything so difficult. Since I don't
think I could think of a way to say it is so difficult another way, I
will be going now. Since this is the last "real" post until we get back
to school, I hope everyone has a wonderful holiday season and a safe New
Year. Talk to y'all later! Oh, if anyone has this unbelievable urge to
write me over break, I think it would be okay to write DJ Dave and he
can forward it to my real account which I can check from home. Take
care.
Caitlyn Boyd
cxboyd@maila.wm.edu
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