Anyway, I let myself believe that this situation was temporary. Partly, Paul let me believe the wrong things and partly because I just wanted to get through finals. Not that any time is a great time to break up but I think less of him for doing it now. First, I can't concentrate, I don't care, and I am sure I will fail all of my classes. Second, whenever I look back on my senior year, this is all I will remember. Whatever, he is a guy, he doesn't want me, it is easy for him to discard me like garbage, I should just get over it. And, I have come to the conclusion that it isn't him, it is having someone there. I have pretty much been with someone continuously since I was in the 10th grade, so this is a little strange. But since I have been spending so much time with Paul, more than when we were dating, I have noticed some things. Like how much he irritates me. He just has these habits that I can't stand and he just drives me crazy!!!!!!! Not that I am saying that he is a jerk or anything but really, I can't figure out why he never bothered me like this before. Maybe it is just the timing and the fact that I am not handling this all so well.
I am unbelievably frustrated because I don't know how to gain control of my life. Everytime I talk to Paul I end up crying but when I am not with him, I want to be. This is so confusing and I don't want to have to deal with all of this. My mind is always a million miles away. I bounced a check this week because I forgot to deposit a check. I am not saying it is anyone's fault or anything, this is just a symptom of the fact that I have no control over anything. The check thing was so embarrassing. What a way to learn a lesson- I definately won't do that again. But I also have so much work to do. Monday I had a paper due, Tuesday I had Biochem final, today(Wed) I had art history. I have two on Friday, a paper due on Monday, and a take-home due on Wednesday. When this week is over, that is when I will ahve time to breathe. At least it will all be over. I am very sorry that I have bitched this entire time. I am having a hard time right now and it doesn't help that Paul is great. Can't he be just a little sad? It doesn't matter I guess, I don't think I will ever understand guys.
Of course I can't end without some song. I guess it strange but I don't feel comfortable talking about how I feel. I think I sound stupid. But if I find a song that expresses how I feel, normally there's a 99.999% chance it diesn't much better that I ever could(obvious in that it took me this whole post to say I wasn't handling things). So this is from Paula Cole. I can't remember the name but it is #7:
Walking down the road to dead.
Welcome to the church of me
Where they stand in the light of me
Water from my eyes and a song for comfort
You say it is Jesus Christ, well I feel like him
I feel one two three nails through the heart
You walk the road to resurrection and I walk the road to dead.
And I am giving you my devotion but I walk the road to dead.
Now watch your back as you walk away from my life
You needled me, strength is threating
That has filled me with pain, what the hell am I doing, falling in
love
with pain again and again.
You walk the road to resurrection and I walk the road to dead.
And I am giving you my devotion but I walk the road to dead.
This song isn't exactly how I feel. I don't want Paul back, put the part about resurrection seems applicable. He is fine, creating a new life while I am suffering. But something that I have just realized is that I don't need him. Why should I focus one what is in the past? Just because he doesn't want me, that doesn't mean I am awful and gross. It just means that he doesn't want me. I shouldn't need Paul for my self worth and I will be damned if I let him hurt me this way. Another song by Paula Cole, Me
I am not the person who is singing, I am the silent one inside.
I am not the one who laughs at people's jokes, I just pacify the
recourse.
I am not my house, my car, my songs, they are only stops along my way.
I am like the winter and the dark cold female with a golden ring of
wisdom in my cave.
And it is me that is my enemy, me who beats me up.
Me who makes the monsters, me who strips my confidence.
I am carrying my voice, I am carrying my heart
I am carrying my rhythm, I am carrying my prayers.
But you can't kill my spirit, my soul because it is strong
Like a mountain, I will go on alone.
But when my wings are folded, a brightly colored moth, it blends into the
dirt and the rain.
And it is me that is my enemy, me who beats me up.
Me who makes the monsters, me who strips my confidence.
And it is me, it is me who is too shy to ask for the thing I love.
But I love.
I am walking on the bridge, I am over the water
And I am scared as hell, but I know there's something better. Yes, I know
there's something better. Yes I know.
So there is my great revelation of the day. I think I have a lot of things to deal with but I know that I have the strength and the confidence to do it. I might need some help though, I told Rob that I wanted to see a councelor this summer. He didn't say anything, but why do I need his approval? I don't. I think it will help me with my self-confidence problem. I don't want to be this way. I want to be self-confident and self-dependant. Doesn't everyone? I know that I can be a wonderful person and I just need to find a way to always KNOW that. Thanks for listening. This wasn't exactly a post, just me thinking out loud. Thank yous to David B., Heath, and my big. It is not that I didn't get your messages, I just don't have much time right now. Take care y'all. Later:)!
Love,
Caitlyn
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