Saturday, THE DAY.
Paul broke up with me today and all I feel is incredible saddness. As
Sarah McLachlan says in "Plenty":
I tried to tell you, the more I tried I failed
I would not let myself believe that you might stray and I would stand by
you no matter what they'd say
I thought I would be with you until my dying day
I used to think my life was often empty, a lonely space to fill
You hurt me more than I ever could have imagined
You made my world stand still.
I just can't think. I don't know what to do. I can't stop crying. I guess it is my fault. I just can't seem to do anything right. Even the person who said he loved me so much can't stand me anymore so why would I think that you all could. I don't know what to do. I just can't function.
Sunday
I wasn't really sure that all of this was happening. Several times when
Paul wants me to "listen" to him, he breaks up with me so I can "see the
seriousness of the situation" or some other shit. So I called him and he
was incredibly mean to me. He just kept saying that it was over. And as
pathetic as I am, I pretty much begged him not to break up with me. I am
sad to report that I totally humiliated myself. Of course I though about
this all day. I know that we had problems which made me think. I was more
sad that Paul would be out of my life than that we were breaking up.
Because let's face it- he could be such a fucking asshole. He was really
mean to me and hurt my feelings all of the time. But Paul has been my
best friend since the beginning of our sophomore year and I just couldn't
think of hime being out of my life. So I called him again. Of course I
cried the entire time so the conversation probably took eight times
longer than it should have. I told him that I couldn't stand it if he was
out of life all together. By this point I hadn't eaten in two days so I
think he felt sorry for me. But we decided to meet for lunch to talk.
Time for more song lyrics:
Duncan Sheik- the second song, I can't think of the name
The words get colder when you have gone away
I thought I understood what I was to you
And I don't want to feel this way, no
I don't want to say I am just a friend
I don't want to wait around here
Cause you don't want to feel no pain again
We just lie about it as we become shadows of ourselves.
And I don't want to look away
And I don't want to be the one tonight
It ain't no fault of mine
Someone, somewhere told you lies
We don't talk about it, we just become shadows of ourselves
Ducan Sheik- Barely Breathing
I know what you are doing, I see it all too clear
I only taste the saline when I kiss away your tears
You really had me going, wishing on a star
The black holes that surround you are heavier by far
I believed in your confusion, so completly torn
It must have been that yesterday was the day that I was born
There's not much to examine, nothing left to hide
You really can't be serious, you have to ask me why
And I say goodbye
Cause I am barely breathing, and I can't find the air
Don't know who I am kidding, imagining you care
And I could stand here waiting, fool for another day
I don't suppose it's worth the price, worth the price, the price that I
would pay
Everyone keeps asking, what's it all about
You still seem so certain and I can't figure out
What is their attraction, I only feel my pain
Nothing left to reason and only you to blame
Will it ever change
Cause I am barely breathing and I can't find the air
Don't know who I am kidding, imagining you care
And I could stand here waiting, fool for another day
I don't suppose it's worth the price, worth the price, the price that I
would pay
But I am thinking it over anyway
Come to find, I may never know, change in mind, is it friend or foe
Rise above, seen below, everytime you come and go
Please don't come and go
Cause I am barely breathing and I can't find the air
Don't know who I am kidding, imagining you care
And I could stand here waiting, fool for another day
I don't suppose it's worth the price, worth the price, the price that I
would pay
But I am thinking it over anyway
And I know what you are doing, I see it all too clear.
Monday
So we met for lunch, I still haven't eaten. I couldn't eat and of course
I cried. I am such a baby, no wonder Paul couldn't wait to get rid of me.
Lunch went okay, we decided to be good friends so we could work out our
problems. Paul was so nice to me. I am very depressed- everyone is
worried about me and treating me like I am made of glass. I even made
Mandy cry yesterday which just broke me heart. I don't feel like I am
going to die anymore but this is so hard. We decided to eat dinner to
talk some more. I eat because earlier I almost fainted. I was in Paul's
room and things were so strange. I just want to sit with him or kiss him
and he doesn't seem to be affected at all. Fucking typical male. Why
can't this bother him? Why can't he be suffering just like I am. I guess
it is easy to handle things well when you don't have a feelings to begin
with. That was mean, I know, but I guess I am a little angry. He is fine
and I am not. We decided to eat dinner on Tuesday.
Tuesday
Everyone is making such an effort to talk to me. I feel so fragile.
People must thing I am pyscho and about to kill myself any second. They
all want to ask but don't know what to say. What is the big deal? Paul
hates me, he doesn't want me, so he got rid of me. That probably isn't
true, I am just feeling sorry for myself. This friends things is going
pretty well. Paul really wants this to work so we can fix our problems. I
guess this is not a forever thing but a let's see if we can fix
everything. Dinner went okay. I feel on edge though. I don't want to mess
up and cross that ever so thin line between friends and whatever. I don't
know what is appropriate and it makes me edgy. I am not very good at the
being friends thing but I guess it is better than having him out of my
life completely. I guess we'll see. Take care. Bye.
Caitlyn
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