Caitlyn Boyd
April 9, 1997
Hey everyone- what's up? I envy the life of the person who said your
senior was supposed to be fun. I am dying. I wish my life was fun. In the
next two weeks I have four papers due and on Friday I have a biochem test
and I have to go shopping for bridesmaids dresses and Paul thinks I suck
the life out of him. I just feel like everything is crashing in all
around me. I haven't felt so lonely and alienated since I was in high
school. I am not really sure how this all happened but I am trying to
just stay clam and deal with one thing at a time. It has been working up
until recently- I think just too much is happening at once. I will start
will Friday.
On Friday, Paul and I went to see The Saint- great movie by the way, a
must see!- and then we went up to my room because Mandy was in PA. We
haven't been alone since spring break. I don't mean physically, I just
mean that there is ALWAYS a million people around whenever I see him. So
I thought this would be a nice way to catch up and stuff. After a half
hour, Paul said that it was time to leave but I didn't want him to. He
got so angry at me and started yelling. Then he did what I absolutely
hate- he walks out while I am trying to talk to me. I hate leaving things
like that so I went out to his car to try to do something- I don't know
what I was trying to do. He just kept yelling, he got so angry so fast it
was a little scary. He said that I never leave him alone, I never stop
asking for thing, "When is it ever going to be enough, Caitlyn?". Mind
you- it was only a half hour. He said that I suck the life out of him. I
can't even tell you how much that hurt me- much more than sex with me was
boring. I don't understand why he gets so mad at me or why he likes to
hurt me this much.
Saturday was my senior formal- the one I was really looking forward to.
Things with me and Paul were a little strained and I told him straight
out that I didn't want to hang out with anymore until I decided what I
wanted to do about our relationship. Craig was my date to the formal and
things started out well. We had lots of fun as I always do with him. But
the last dance he danced with Madeline and I was with no one until Bill
asked me if I wanted to dance. And as I heard was in Madeline's post, I
turn around and see them making out right there. I am so irritated at
Craig. Maybe this sounds babyish but he was MY date and shuold have been
dancing with me. This wasn't Madeline's formal it was MINE. Craig had the
oppurtunity to go with Madeline(complicated story), I told him that if he
wanted to that was fine. But he said he would go with me so what the fuck
was he with her for? I know that Michael was trying to hook up with
everything that moved at the formal but that doesn't mean I have to have
a bad time because Madeline doesn't have a date. This whole thing just
fucking pissed me off. It was the first time that I felt I couldn't
depend on Craig. And he is great- I love him and I think of him as a
great friend. But what a fucking typical male. Brain in the penis. I know
this sounds very anti-male- I am sorry, I am very mad.
I feel like my whole world is changing- all the guys I felt like I could
depend on have disappointed me. Paul thinks I suck his life away. Craig
has upset me. Chip says he doesn't have time to talk to me because
reading has become important to him. And then there is the whole
situation with Michael. I found a new singer- Paula Cole. She isn't
bitter or anything, she sounds a lot like Sarah McLachlan. She has one
song though that is sort of mean and nasty that I think describes how
angry I am at all of them. It is called Throwing Stones:
-All of our friends think that you are a comedian, so kind and generous,
but I am suffering. I want to be away from here, away from every little
thing. I used to love your every little thing. Now you call me a bitch in
heat and I call you a LIAR.
-You are the puppeteer and I am the puppet, you try to manipulate me with
all of your shit.
-Everytime I try to talk it through, you turn it around and make us into
David and Goliath.
-Your arms beneath me, you lying beside me, I use to love your every
little thing. Your eyes were stars, I used to love your every little
thing, now I hate you, hate every single thing.
-I need a new life, why must this hurt? My innocence has been torn. My
inner vision dulled and darkened. I gave myself away to you. I let my
sorrow humble me. I threw my crown upon the ground.
-Now my anger is my best friend- be careful, I may bite your head off.
LIAR! So call me a bitch in heat and I will call you a LIAR. So call me a
bitch in heat and I will call you a mother FUCKER!
I am not sure if these are the exact words because she didn't include the
words. Of course, none of them called me a bitch in heat but I think you
get the idea. I am not trying to get pity from anyone, it just helps me
to write out everything. I guess that is unfortune for you so I am sorry
that this was so crappy. Lest you think my entire life is shit- there are
some good things. I am going to see my big soon. She will coming down to
Northern VA next weekend. On Friday she will be in NOVA so my little and
I are going up there that night for the party that is going on. Then Sat.
we will all come back and spend some time at W and M. So that is good, I
am really looking for to spending time with my family. Take care. Talk to
y'all later.
Caitlyn
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