As for anger, I have never experienced it to the degree that I did Friday night. I never was mad at him before, only that it happened. I frequently blamed myself, and in many respects I do. I was drunk, how could it not be my fault? Anyhow, whatever happened in the basement of Tazwell House last year has mostly been erased from my memory by choice. I was always angry that it had happened, but I was never angry at the guy. Maybe because I didn't know him, maybe I felt too ashamed. This weekend I was so mad about the whole situation because I felt God could never forgive me for being raped. I spent several hours talking to our campus minister because I felt very unloved by God. It was my rape that turned me from my church, because I felt god didn't want me there in my "condition." On Saturday afternoon I recieved the sacrament of Reconciliation for the first time since High School. The pressure however did not cease until after I completed my penance -- simply to sit for a while in the arms of God. I needed that so much, and I could almost feel the pain and anger leaving me as I lay there. My energy level shot up like a rocket. I still blame myself for what happened, but in turn I also forgive myself.
In light of forgiveness, I am finally learning to forgive my mother. I by no means will ever forget that cold, windy day in New Zealand, but I know she was out of control. Her rationale was invalid and I forgive her. For those of you who may not recall the post in which I told the story so many long months ago (I may not have told the whole story either), when I was about ten, I was alone in the house with my mother when she had what I will call an "episode." She locked me in a room with her and proceeded to empty all of the medication she owned into a big pile one her bed. She made me sit there, and as she told me how her destruction was my fault, she made me watch her swallow mouthful of pills, after mouthfuls of pills. Finally she broke down in tears, knew she was about to die, and began to think how awful it would be for mother to leave behind her child with momories like these. So she decided that if I too were to die, I would have no memories such as these. And Mom began to push these same pills down my throat. I tried so hard to fight back, but I was so weak. At that point in time I almost wanted to die, but Mom went unconscious and I called for help. We were both treated medically and went home to our happy family. My father to this day doesn't know the story. I will never, as I said, forget that day, but I can now begin to forgive my mother as I realize I was not alone through my childhood.
The peacefulness of the mountains last weekend was just what I needed. I didn't hug the oak, and I didn't climb the hill, but I still found peace (and apple-butter). I am so glad that Madeline was there. I think of her as a sister. She was a great comfort to me when I was down and I love her for that. She knew what to say to calm me and didn't expect me to respond with words. I couldn't say a things I was choking on my tears. Jack also helped give me a sense of peace and was the sunshine of the weekend. I had his support and since he is one of my role models, I needed that at the time.
Well, to change the subject slightly, Ed Baker called me at 10:30 this morning and asked me to address the issue of blood donation in my post. As for myself I cannot give blood for two reasons. The first is that I have recieved a tatoo in the last year. The second is that last year, the first and only time I gave blood, I had my period at the same time. My blood loss at one time was so grossly significant that I became anemic and I am still building up my iron level. The red Cross is not supposed to allow that to happen, but I wasn't asked and of course I didn't know because I'd never done it before. This morning Ed asked about the segregation of blood donations in South Africa. Yes, blood is not at all integrated, even now. There are still many remains of aparthied in South Africa and the whole issue really makes me uncomfortable because it is a violation of human rights.
Anyhow, I have so much more to say but I'll call it quits for today. I love you guys.
Peace,
Allison
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